The Leadership Trap of Always Stepping Up

Three middle-school emails made me uncomfortable, so I volunteered to be the room mom.

Let me explain.

I did not volunteer because I had dreamed of spending my year coordinating class parties, creating SignUpGeniuses, collecting money, or figuring out who was bringing what. Quite the opposite. I am a mom of four active boys, a wife, a VP of Marketing at a scale-up, a beekeeper, an oyster and vegetable gardener, a 2.5 USTA tennis player desperately trying to become a 3.0, and, generally speaking, a person with approximately zero extra capacity.

Now, you may be asking how did I, one of the busiest people you know, even get into this situation?

Well, the PTO Room Parent Coordinator sent the first email to the class list asking for a volunteer.

Crickets.

Then a second.

Still nothing.

Then a third.

And that's when I looked around at the invisible room full of other parents in my head and thought:

Seriously? Nobody can do this? How hard can it be? 

And friends and colleagues, let me tell you, these are not only famous last words, they are very dangerous thoughts…

And before anyone else could step up, I texted Norman and quipped,

“No one is volunteering to be David’s homeroom parent. I’m going to do it!” 

Perhaps that was me reaching out as a last-ditch effort; subconsciously pleading “Talk me out of this! Tell me what we both already know, that I'm ‘too busy,’ so I don’t let the fear of obligation take over! Dude, GIVE ME AN OUT!”

Ping 

And in came his reply, “Ok, go ahead!” 

Here we go...

So I did it. Before I could think about it anymore I immediately emailed the PTO Coordinator, “I’d love to!” 

There it was. The sentence I have apparently been saying my entire life without even realizing it.

I'll do it. I'll handle it. I'll fix it. I am the hero you’ve been looking for. 

And the funny thing is, I'm not afraid of hard work. I do everything else I’m doing anyway. What’s a couple more emails? Moms Get S#!t Done, right?! 

But, I’ve realized those are the things I want or need to own. Those are my problems to solve and none else’s. 

So, why did I jump into this and take on yet another commitment when I’m already at capacity? 

Well friends, I am afraid of the discomfort that happens when something needs to be done and nobody does it. I'm afraid of the silence, the awkwardness, the possibility that someone will be disappointed in me or in the situation I’m involved with (which obviously still reflects on me - right?). 

So, I volunteered.

Not because I particularly wanted to be the room mom. Not because I thought I could make an eternal impact on these wonderful young people. And not because my schedule was begging for another responsibility.

I volunteered because I couldn't stand watching a need sit there unanswered.

And that got me thinking about leadership. 

Because I realized I've done this at work, too. Probably more times than I can even count. Cue my past teammates and employees literally laughing out loud as you read this. (I adore you all!)

A project is stalled? I'll move it forward! “I’d love to!”

A team isn't aligned? I'll get everyone in a room. “I’d love to!”

Something falls through the cracks? I'll catch it. “I’d love to!”

Someone isn't stepping up? I'll step up. “I’d love to!”

And for a long time, I thought that was what good leadership looked like. Be the person people can count on, be resourceful, don’t wait to be asked, and most importantly, get stuff done! 

These personality traits landed me a killer husband, got me four kids, four promotions, three trips to President’s Club, an “Employee of The Year” award, a fancy corner office, and the coveted trifecta of titles: “Wife”, “Mom”, and “Boss”. 

So, yes, those are all valuable personality traits for leaders. But let’s talk about the darker side to always being the person who steps in: You can accidentally become the solution to problems that aren't yours to solve.

And when you do that often enough, something interesting happens. You don't just solve the problem. You prevent someone else from having to solve it and unintentionally take ownership away from the person who should have it. You create a dependency. In business, dependency is usually a double-edged sword. It can be a sign of value and strong integration, but too much dependency creates risk. And risk is not good. 

And sometimes, without realizing it, you teach your team and everyone around you:

“If nobody else does it, I'll do it.”

That's not leadership, it’s just over-functioning. And it can set a standard that hurts morale because it feels unachievable (and frankly, stupid). 

The discomfort of not rescuing

There is a trap for high-performing operators they don’t tell us when we become leaders: 

The better you are at doing, the harder it can be to stop doing.

You become the person who can fix the problem fastest, jump in because it's easier than explaining, take the project because you know you'll get it done, and answer the question because you already know the answer. 

And eventually, your competence becomes the bottleneck.

I think this is particularly challenging for leaders who are conflict-averse. (It’s me, hi, I’m the problem, it’s me…). 

The problem isn't that we don't know how to say no, the problem is that we don't like what happens when we say no.

Someone might be disappointed.

A project might move slower.

Someone might struggle.

A decision might remain unresolved.

A gap might become visible. 

And rather than allowing anyone else to experience that discomfort, we absorb it ourselves. We fix it and everyone feels better. Except us.

Being a good leader is realizing that every time we rescue something, we're adding another responsibility to our own plate. And (if you’re like me and don’t like to put yourself first) we can flip this script and tell ourselves the truth, we're potentially robbing someone else of the opportunity to grow. 

Sometimes leadership means leaving the gap open

This is the part I'm working on. I'm learning that seeing a problem doesn't automatically make it my problem. This sounds obvious, but it’s much harder to practice. Especially when you're more than capable of fixing it and it feels like everyone else seems to be waiting for someone to do something.

I’m going to tell you what I’ve wished someone would say to me for the past 15 years… Sometimes the most valuable thing a leader can do is not step in and own the problem. 

Let the team sit with the problem, let someone else raise their hand or gasp let the owner of the issue experience the consequences of inaction! As leaders we have to get comfortable with letting the uncomfortable conversation happen without immediately mediating it. 

“The struggle you’re in today is developing the strength you need for tomorrow.” — Robert Tew

The leadership question I'm asking myself now

Before I say “I’d love to” and take on something new, I'm trying to pause and ask: Is this mine to own?

Not: Can I do it?

Not: Can I do it faster?

Not: Would it be easier if I just handled it?

But: Is this actually mine to own?

And if the answer is no, it’s not actually mine, I'm practicing letting it go. 

That doesn't mean becoming indifferent or refusing to help. I will tell you, there’s nothing I hate more than hearing a person say “that’s not my job.” It doesn't mean watching any team fail when I can prevent it. It just means I need to think it through before I commit to ownership.  

As a leader I am not going to step back from accountability, I'm going to try and step up to a different type of accountability and be intentional about the difference between supporting someone and taking responsibility away from them.

That's a very different kind of leadership.

Back to the sixth-grade classroom

So all of this to say yes, I'm still the sixth-grade room mom. I said yes and I'll honor the commitment I made and rock it out to the best of my ability as a mom of a brand new middle-schooler who is eager to help. And let’s be honest, who doesn't want to support a bunch of amazing teachers?! 

But, I will also acknowledge the “why” behind the commitment this time and consciously try not to turn that yes into ten more yeses simply because everyone else is quiet.

I'm really starting to believe that leadership isn't about being the person who always steps up. It's about knowing when your stepping up creates actual momentum and when it simply keeps everyone else from having to.

Sometimes leadership looks like taking responsibility, sometimes it looks like delegating, and sometimes (perhaps hardest of all) it looks like letting the silence sit long enough for someone else to speak.